I'm not consistent

Apologies.

This was meant as a personal, but public blog.

I just got into vlogging. I like the idea of having a written component to compliment my thoughts.

Since I have this blog already, I convert to be part of the personal journey.

I could also start fresh.

I'll post a few more videos and then decide.

I'm having fun with it, and it's keeping me sane.

Just BLOG

 I haven't been writing. Two years ago, I said I was going to be a writer and I haven't written. I have this blog and a google sheet that have been dormant. I'm pretty sure there's a wordpress somewhere too.

I almost started fresh blog, but then I thought about reviving the concert blog from back in the day. I'm really proud of that one. However, it's been ages since I've logged into that account. My old yahoo email connected to it got wiped out. But maybe it was my old gmail account that was connected? In any case, if I try to log on with either of those accounts, the blog doesn't come up. It no longer mine.

So I went back to starting a fresh blog. But my email is already associated with this blog. So enough distractions. Enough excuses.

I'm J, this is Me.

It's time for me to write.

Family Tetris

 I dreamt that everyone and then some came to visit.

Everyone is coming to NY and everyone is staying with me. This whole situation is happening with John and Spencer in their room. Merkel is in the living room.

Okay, mom in my bed. Let's get back to her later.

Cole and Mike got the magical bed that's in the living room. Works out, since they're used to being around a dog anyway.

I was going to put Myron's family there and the kids on the couch. They ordered an air mattress, which was very considerate, but it hadn't arrived yet and probably won't tonight.

But instead, Gina suggested the room downstairs with a queen bed and a twin bed because the kids can share the twin bed. Perfect, we love this.

Wait. Erik and Bea take my bed and fit there with Eevie. Jazzy will go wherever Lola Jojo is. But in reality, she'd want to stay with the other kids.

I feel like TJ and Jon brought stowaways. Like, who the hell were Arnel and Nel. Fine, you take the bunk beds downstairs. Their parents stay in the extra bedroom upstairs. No, Jazz, you can't stay in this corner.

There's another magical room connected to the bunk bedroom with a bunch of couches. But they're not long enough for adults to be comfortable. I didn't think this in the dream, but let's just throw all the kids there. 

I was going to put Dan on the air mattress in my room, but he has a bad back so he should get the bed, no?

That means I gave my bed to each of my immediate family members and I still have no place to sleep.

Also, the spaces that actually exists is my room and the living room.

First Visit Home as a New Yorker

 I moved in October. I came back for Christmas. Not too much time had passed, but I had COVID and didn't get to do anything.

Lizzy's confirmation was the catalyst for the trip. I made a week of it so I could schedule doctor visits I should have done in December.

Sunday - Easter

Monday - Backstage Broadway CCO

Tuesday - Friday - tour guide for Dan and Sophie in NYC

Friday night - fly to LA

Saturday

• Confirmation
• lunch
• massage
• dinner

Sunday

• Church
• breakfast
• new niece & older nieces
• chill,
• clean a bit for brother because his place was a mess and he was sick
• drive home

Monday

• Home all day, but I did bookkeeping for the last two years

Tuesday

• drive on PCH
• waxing
• doctor appointment (discussion about discontinuing medication -- "AM I DONE YET?", blood drawn for labs)
• lunch
• rollerblade pier to pier
• dinner
• sleepover

Wednesday

• drive on 101
• MRI (technician was great, I thanked her. She said I did all the hard work. Staying still for an MRI is hard work? Focusing on anything but being inside a giant magnet is work I suppose.)
• get gas
• dentist
• oil change
• hair
• old office
• happy hour at office
• happy hour at bar
• dinner
• drive home
• facetime tea

Thursday

• clean garage (all day)
• laundry
• bowling with Jazz
• tv with mom

Upcoming to do's

• Pack for SD
• Accounting for client
• Dodger Game
• Sleepover
• Visit baby
• San Diego Day
• Organize closet
• Pack

My old life is so familiar and easy in that sense. I'm a well oiled machine. I'm the Energizer bunny, going and going, until the battery dies. I don't run on Energizer batteries. My battery is tired. 

This morning I reflected on all that's happened. It was weird looking at pictures and TikTok drafts and seeing myself wear the same dress. I did so much in one day. I'm grateful I got to see so many people, but hot damn it's a lot.

I thrive in big group settings. It's familiar and tempting to go back. But I don't want to be comfortable. I wanted more. I'm reminding myself I wanted more. Plus, we all focused on the good during our catch up. New York sounds so cool, they said.

It is cool. LA is hard. If I'm being honest, I thought that I could run away to NY and not have to deal with this cancer stuff. I know going to the doctor and taking care of yourself is part of being an adult. I've just been adulting for so long, it feels like. I don't know how to express how heavy it feels to HAVE to do all of this.

My MRI is in the clear. That's great news. I don't have any cavities, also wonderful. I looked over my labs, and the numbers look good. The doctor hasn't interpreted it for me yet. But I still don't know what's going on. Do I have to know?

This is just a moment in time. This will be the last overhaul of appointments. Once I handle my insurance and switch to NY, I won't have to cram my days.

On the positive note, it's nice to be missed. I'm getting the good-byes I never got because of the pandemic. But it's nice that they're not goodbyes.

F

F is the sixth letter of the English alphabet.

The F train in New York uses the color orange.

F is associated with the strongest curse word.

F is a grade I never wanted to get because F stands for failure.

Failure is frightening.

I just failed some transcription test. I must have read the instructions incorrectly. But I clearly understood the math problem.

I failed at getting that job last week.

And then somehow I got a job this week.

But I'm also waiting on another job.

I'm tired.

But I'm reminding myself it's okay to fail. You can only be so lucky to fail at things.

Santa Con

Walking to the train Saturday morning, we saw a woman wearing a Santa onesie. He asked me if I thought her day was just starting.

I learned later it was just starting. I saw a few others dressed as Santa on the train to work. Then when I got home, someone asked if anyone saw the Santas outside, for it was Santa Con. There was a collective groan from the rest of my coworkers.

I asked if there was an actual convention somewhere where they were all headed. No, it's a day where you crawl from whatever pub to the next dressed as Santa. 

Since I worked in Times Square, I saw a lot of Santas. I wouldn't have minded, except for two things. First, they were all in line for pizza slices. I wanted to grab a quick bite, but there were long lines everywhere filled with Santa.

Second, the train to downtown, there were drunk santas who were not wearing masks, some had their shirts off, and they sang obnoxiously. I was okay with ONE verse of Truly Madly Deeply, but not the second, and not the repeat.

Morning

I'm very good at saying goodbye. I'm well acquainted with the restless sleep when you're in a bed that isn't yours next to someone else. (I feel I should write that WELL ACQUAINTED is describing my familiarity with the feeling, not saying that I have a large number of such experiences). 

This morning, I didn't have to say my goodbye. I woke up and had that awareness I was not in my own bed. I wrestled with wonder. Should I bounce? I could go home and rest before I have to work at 11. The thing is, I was the one who initiated all of this. I was the one who poured my heart out. I wanted to be there.

He was awake too. We weren't awake and ready to get up. He held me all morning. We talked about getting breakfast. He talked about showing me around. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want him to let go.

I have this mindset of this could be the last time. So make the most of it. And I just wanted to be there with him.

When I finally got home, I reflected on the night. I reflected on the things I said. I remembered crying in front of him. I remember letting myself be vulnerable. I remember holding hands on the way to the next bar. I then get overwhelmed with feeling.

I call Mere. I tell her everything. She asks me how I feel. I don't know. I feel good. I feel happy it happened. It was a good night and a pleasant morning. The truth is, I don't know how to feel feelings. I can visualize this wall I put up around myself and my heart. I block out feelings. I don't know what to do if they start to come up.

And that's where I am right now. I don't know what to do with myself. On the one hand, there are so many sweet nothings I could respond with. On the other hand, am I stage 5 clinger? I don't even know how he feels. Because with our history, with that last encounter as the last memory of us together, am I the villain?